I am not going to tell you why it happened. I can tell you that is was a stack-up of many different things that contributed to the state of losing myself in a severe breakdown. This happened in May 2009. I was swimming against the current for far too long and at one point, everything crumbled and I gave up.
I stopped painting earlier than this time, back in 2008, after my last traveling exhibit “Equilibrium”. I never painted again since. If I picked up a brush or gathered my paints, I would go into strong panic attacks. I started to avoid painting. I allowed myself to go deep into the darkness where I felt safe. I stopped my life altogether. I was not seeing or speaking to friends. I completely let go.
This happened at the height of my career. The world and my future seemed bright on the surface, but within, I was dying. I learned to smile when I felt like crying… and so it came to be. I had nothing to say. An artist without anything to say. Where did everything go? Where was my muse? Can someone lend me a hand? I stopped asking those questions long ago. And when I opened my eyes, eleven years had gone by. Eleven years wasted away in nothingness.
During my crying bouts, and even in my moments of clarity, I blamed everyone. That was my way to cope. Placing blame on everyone else… particularly life itself.
Then, this past summer, I decided to climb up into the light again. Sure, I fell and stumbled, but I kept going. The first thing I realized was that I was 100% responsible for the life I had created for myself, including the breakdown. There was no one to blame. It was me, all me. And so, I forgave those whom I held accountable, as well as forgiving myself, for all the actions and decisions I had made that took me down that lonely road.
I am a depressed person in recovery. Every day I feel stronger and will settle for nothing less than what I deserve. I am not perfect. Perhaps, you and I have more things in common that we would like to admit. But I love my perfectly imperfect self. I have scars and wounds that are still healing, but I can look back and feel proud of everything I have accomplished, and will continue to achieve in my life.
I have started to paint again. That is a good sign, even if I am still a little bit rusty. Yes, I still have moments of self-doubt and fear, but I keep them in check. I am here, I am present, and I have retaken the reins of my life. I am learning to rediscover myself as a person and as an artist. I am on the way, and the best part is that I have traveled through both roads: the bright and shiny one, as well as the dark and perilous. I have been there. I know what it is like. And I know exactly where I am going now. I am building my future and my future is bright, doing exactly what I love… painting.
If you feel you are experiencing what I have gone through, please reach out to a professional, and know, that tomorrow might turn around for you. Believe in yourself and never give up. Never. The choice is yours. You decide. You make it happen. Decide to live a life of genuine gratitude and love.